TBD?

I’ve been feeling a suppression lately. Something has been holding me back from being…me. Unsure of the cause at first, I have come to believe it is a combination of fear and unbelief. Fear of what people will think, of not being who I want to be, and unbelief in God’s Word, that I am who God says I am.

Is it really shocking that I struggle to believe that I am righteous, precious and cherished? Forgive me for wanting so badly to be noticed and free. I want to live a life of adventure and yet I realize (in my most honest moments) that life will still leave me broken and wanting. Yet I still seek adventure as if that will make my life seem meaningful or impactful.

And in the same way, I know that finding deep and fulfilling relationships will not make me complete. I will (and do) continue to feel lonely and unseen when I expect them to meet my needs.

It’s not that my desires are bad. In fact, they, could even come from God. But if I look to them to be my everything then I will only find a desperate disappointment. I was made to worship one God.

I’ve been so hungry lately. It’s not a hunger that any amount of food can ease. Where my stomach should be is this deep cavern that can only be filled by the overwhelming truth of God’s love, power, and presence in my life. The truth is that I am part of His story and not the other way around.

And that’s good. A relief even.

Until I turn to God to make me whole, I will continue walking around with this big, suppressing, heavy blackhole in my inner being. Everywhere I go. But when I live in the truth that I am already complete, whether my life looks like my greatest dreams or my deepest fears come true, then and only then will EVERYTHING I do feel exciting, complete and full. And that’s because none of those things define me.

When Jesus called me to Him, He changed me. He gave me a new name and made me into a new creation. I am no longer the girl always holding back because of fear. I am now precious, beloved, righteous, and an heir of eternity. Instead of living in fear, I can live in a bold faithfulness, confident that with The Lord and Creator of the universe with me, I have nothing to fear.

Lord please remind me. Fight the battle for me, I cannot do it on my own.