It’s yet another night of youth group where I’m tempted to ditch. It’s supposed to be a special night, a party of sorts. There’s no true program and so instead of getting to hide behind the games, the announcements and the talk, I have to go be social ALL NIGHT.
That’s a lot to ask an introvert after a full day of work. It almost causes physical pain. It’s not that I don’t love the students, but it’s just that I’m awful at small talk. The thought of coming up with interesting conversation while not being awkward exhausts me.
I can’t do this on my own.
And maybe that’s my problem. I’m trying to do it on my own. Work, roommates, ministry. And it’s wearing me down. I get through my day but all I can think is how I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see myself getting there anytime soon.
It’s a case of the-grass-is-always-greener’s and it’s quite serious. Work has no joy in it. I don’t have time for my friends. My roommates have opposite schedules from mine. The weather isn’t what I want. I feel emotionally disconnected from the world and myself. The list goes on and on.
And where is God in all this? He should be in the center, holding me together, the one I reach out to with each thought. Yet, once again, I look around and see I’m the one on the pedestal right now.
The places I want to go are just not options right now. It’s this giant game of wait-and-see. Wait-and-see if I get the job, if the trip pans out, if my role in ministry will change next year, how God will lead me next. And I’m sick of it. I want some action!
And in the midst of all this personal struggle I’m supposed to go to youth group and lead students??? Yeah, right. What a great example I’m setting for them.
But maybe I’m not alone. Maybe sharing with them how hard things are will set an example for them.
1 Timothy 6:6 “Godliness with contentment is great gain,” flashes through my mind and when I excuse it as irrelevant a whisper sneaks in, “Maybe this is exactly what you need.”
Okay, yes. The Bible tells us to give thanks in all circumstances. So I should stop complaining and give thanks and be content. Easier said than done. I don’t think I’ll have that checked off my list before church Sunday and definitely not before youth group tonight.
So what am I supposed to tell my students I’m going through this week?
Even before I finish the question, I know the answer. Tell them the truth. Part of living in Biblical community is to be honest with each other, to encourage each other and share when we’re struggling. And it’ll probably feel weird (dare I say embarrassing??) to tell a bunch of teenagers who look up to me that I’m just struggling to look to Jesus.
Maybe instead of trying to set an example of being perfectly calm and collected on the outside, I can show my students how to struggle in Jesus. I can set an example of persevering when all I want to do is give up, of being honest – with myself and others – when ignoring the hurt and emotion seems easier, of opening myself to the possibility of being rejected, and being honest when I fail to do that.
So tonight I will go to youth group. I will be real and honest. I will probably spend time on the edge of the room, but I will trust that God in his goodness will use my messiness. After all, his “power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9b)
The Humble Chef 