Humble Chef’s Humble Beginnings

“And now, the recipe calls for three cups of flour, stirring it in one cup at a time,” I said in my most ridiculous tone. I stood cooking in the kitchen, my roommate sitting on the other side of the counter, watching as I turned baking cookies into a cooking show.

I stirred the dough by hand, dumping in all three cups at once. “But we’re just going to dump it all in at once,” I said, coughing as the flour puffed into a cloud in my face.

I wanted to start a blog for a long time. I love to write, and someday I hope to write something meaningful. For the longest time, though, I had no idea what to write about. I didn’t want my blog to be an online diary. If I’m going to post online, I want it to be useful to other people. After taking my sweet time “strategizing” how to build a blog, I decided to write about the ups and downs of youth ministry. After more than two years as a high school leader, I know from experience the struggles are endless and real.

But then, in an unexpected change of plans, I took a step back from youth ministry. When I really look at the life Jesus calls me to live, I am convinced that “ministry” should be more than an extracurricular activity. It should be in every breath I take.

I decided to write about life.

So here we are. Me and Jesus – and I guess, now, you too. Embarking on this journey with a new perspective. I started out confident, excited about the idea of sharing Jesus in all areas of my new life. As that idea turned into reality over the next few years, it was harder than I expected.

My hope is that, as this life humbles me over and over again, maybe someone else can be touched as well, even if it’s just from knowing there’s someone out there who messes up in life as much as in the kitchen.

Back in the kitchen, my roommate laughed and rolled her eyes at me as I warned my viewers to stir in the flour one cup at a time, as the recipe so wisely advises. She came to call our little game “Humble Chef.” I guess it stuck, in more ways than one!

What do I tell students when I feel far from God?

It’s yet another night of youth group where I’m tempted to ditch. It’s supposed to be a special night, a party of sorts. There’s no true program and so instead of getting to hide behind the games, the announcements and the talk, I have to go be social ALL NIGHT.

That’s a lot to ask an introvert after a full day of work. It almost causes physical pain. It’s not that I don’t love the students, but it’s just that I’m awful at small talk. The thought of coming up with interesting conversation while not being awkward exhausts me.

I can’t do this on my own.

And maybe that’s my problem. I’m trying to do it on my own. Work, roommates, ministry. And it’s wearing me down. I get through my day but all I can think is how I’m not where I want to be and I don’t see myself getting there anytime soon.

It’s a case of the-grass-is-always-greener’s and it’s quite serious. Work has no joy in it. I don’t have time for my friends. My roommates have opposite schedules from mine. The weather isn’t what I want. I feel emotionally disconnected from the world and myself. The list goes on and on.

And where is God in all this? He should be in the center, holding me together, the one I reach out to with each thought. Yet, once again, I look around and see I’m the one on the pedestal right now.

The places I want to go are just not options right now. It’s this giant game of wait-and-see. Wait-and-see if I get the job, if the trip pans out, if my role in ministry will change next year, how God will lead me next. And I’m sick of it. I want some action!

And in the midst of all this personal struggle I’m supposed to go to youth group and lead students??? Yeah, right. What a great example I’m setting for them.

But maybe I’m not alone. Maybe sharing with them how hard things are will set an example for them.

1 Timothy 6:6 “Godliness with contentment is great gain,” flashes through my mind and when I excuse it as irrelevant a whisper sneaks in, “Maybe this is exactly what you need.”

Okay, yes. The Bible tells us to give thanks in all circumstances. So I should stop complaining and give thanks and be content. Easier said than done. I don’t think I’ll have that checked off my list before church Sunday and definitely not before youth group tonight.

So what am I supposed to tell my students I’m going through this week?

Even before I finish the question, I know the answer. Tell them the truth. Part of living in Biblical community is to be honest with each other, to encourage each other and share when we’re struggling. And it’ll probably feel weird (dare I say embarrassing??) to tell a bunch of teenagers who look up to me that I’m just struggling to look to Jesus.

Maybe instead of trying to set an example of being perfectly calm and collected on the outside, I can show my students how to struggle in Jesus. I can set an example of persevering when all I want to do is give up, of being honest – with myself and others – when ignoring the hurt and emotion seems easier, of opening myself to the possibility of being rejected, and being honest when I fail to do that.

So tonight I will go to youth group. I will be real and honest. I will probably spend time on the edge of the room, but I will trust that God in his goodness will use my messiness. After all, his “power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9b)

I’m a youth leader and I don’t want to go to youth group tonight

Satan is real. I know this because the bad days always seem to coincide with the big youth group events.

Soccer game? Oooh, had the longest day ever, running on empty, and internally processing a very personal devo. Wednesday night youth group? Nothing bad happened, specifically, but it was one of those days where you want to come home from work and search for a new job. And weekend long youth retreat? You have to choose between a wedding and the retreat and when you compromise and go late you find yourself at the wrong location, three hours away from the actual destination at 7 p.m.(True story, I’ll tell it in detail sometime).

It’s always a fight to get to youth group.

And as much as it sucks on days like this, the days where it feels like you are literally picking up your cross to follow Jesus, it’s my favorite reminder that I’m part of something bigger, something that matters for eternity. Because Satan is real and he’s putting up a fight to keep young people from getting to know Jesus. That’s why the hardest nights to get to youth group are also the ones I’m most hopeful, because Satan isn’t even trying to hide the fight from me. If even I know the battle is raging, then I know it’s a big one, and I also know that Jesus wins and God is in control. Then I can trust a major victory is close at hand.

Romans 8:31 says that “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Certainly not Satan. Satan, who, in the book of Job, had to get God’s permission to even touch Job in his suffering (Job 1 &2 ).

Satan, who doesn’t even have control of his own demons. Remember when Jesus healed the man with the legion of demons? The demons pleaded with Jesus to not banish them to the abyss. Jesus granted them permission to possess a large herd of pigs (Luke 8:26-37).

Who is Satan compared to GOD? God, who calms the waves with a word (Luke 8:22-25). God, who spoke the world into existence (Genesis 1). God, who knows the stars by name, who binds wounds and heals the brokenhearted. God, who causes rain to fall and grass to grow, who scatters frost like ashes and hailstones like breadcrumbs (Psalm 147).

So yes, Satan, I know you are real. I know you are fighting, and I am weak. But I will still choose to show up at youth group to fight with all that I have. Because this great God I mentioned? He is for me.

And if He is for me, who can be against me?